Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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