I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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