Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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