I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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