I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
