can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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