I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
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you will always have a special place in my vag
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
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Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while