theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear