i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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