I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
