do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
