apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
