Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
