i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
