fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
