booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
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Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
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I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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