That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Come share oat with me in your robe
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
