according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
