the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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