Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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