It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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