her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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