mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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