I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
