a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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