We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think my cat just said my name.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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