i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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