the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
