So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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