how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
