I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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