there's paper in my vomit.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
