i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
my being single is dangerous.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
