I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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