woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
