There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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