Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
