My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
