mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
