I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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