I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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