Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
