I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
