The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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