I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
