The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
FUCK WHALES
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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