Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
