I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
