after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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