I need help removing her.
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
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