I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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