I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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