"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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