Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
this beer tastes like vomit already
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
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