i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
no, he came in my armpit
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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