I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
