Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
