After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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