Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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