Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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